Laws of the Universe, Part One...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability:

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone:

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law:

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem:

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.