WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL[tm]

Dear Special Interest, Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

  1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

    2. President
    Vice-President
    Senator
    Congressman
    Governor
    Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
    Cabinet Secretary - Other
    Other Elected Official (please specify)
    Other Appointed Official (please specify)

  2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]?

    3. Please check all that apply.
    TV ad.
    Magazine / newspaper ad.
    Shared jail cell with.
    Former law partner of.
    Unindicted co-conspirator with.
    Arkansas crony of.
    Procured for.
    Related to.
    Recommended by lobbyist.
    Recommended by organized crime figure.
    Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
    Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
    Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
    Solicited bribe from me.
    Attempted to seduce me.

  3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]?

    4. (Please check all that apply.)
    Obtain lucrative government contracts.
    Have my prejudices turned into law.
    Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
    Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
    Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
    Obtain diplomatic concessions.
    Obtain trade concessions.
    Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
    Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
    Forestall military action against self / allies.
    Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors / targets for future conquest.
    Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic groups.
    Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental exploiters / capitalist pigs.

  4. What factors influenced your purchase?

    5. (Please check all that apply.)
    Performance of currently owned model.
    Reputation.
    Price.
    Appearance.
    Party affiliation.
    Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
    Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
    Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
    Blackmail.
    Celebrity endorsement.

  5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official[tm]?

    6. If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
    Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
    Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
    Defect in current model:
    Dead.
    Senile.
    Indicted.
    Convicted.
    Resigned in disgrace.
    Switched parties / beliefs.
    Outbribed by competing interest.
Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember: when you choose a Government Official[tm] you've chosen the best politician that money can buy.

Thanks to : 


Don Imbriale (NJLP), and
Michael R. Nichols (NYLP)


From: "Michael Nichols" 
To: NJLP mailing list 
Subject: Sometimes we need to laugh ...